Have you heard of toxic positivity?

What is toxic positivity?

It is excessive and ineffective to generalization of a happy and optimistic look at all situations. Wait, what? So, if I have a positive outlook am I displaying toxic positivity? NO that is optimism which is different.

Toxic positivity is taking negative events and thinking if you are positive about them, they will just go away. This results in denial, minimization, and invalidation. This type of repression of feelings interrupts the healing and learning process we go through during difficult times.

The suppression of uncomfortable emotions can lead to increased anxiety, depression, stress, weight gain, and overall mental health.

How to know if you or someone you know is displaying toxic positivity?

Always saying “Things happen for a reason”, putting on a poker face of happiness when you really do not feel happy, that silver lining (not all situations have a silver lining), ignoring feelings unless they are positive, dismissing other’s feelings, and only seeing the good in others.

This is a form of “Gas Lighting”. Gas lighting is when a person makes you question your reality. The trivialization of your feelings is hurtful to the healing and learning process. There is a lack of empathy and denial of what is really happening or how you are feeling needs to stop.

Avoid people like this to heal and learn. Breaking up with these people can be hard but much needed. Whether they are family or friends communicate to them that you need them to be empathetic and not diminish your feelings or thoughts so you can work through them. If this is something they can not provide for you then you need to take a step back from them. This does not mean that you must never talk or hang out with them ever again.

Why we need to stay away from toxic positivity.

It cheapens the human experience. It brings shame, guilt, and feeling flawed within ourselves. The effects on mental health can pose serious emotional stability. It rewires your brain to constantly be negative about oneself. “I am never good enough.” “I do not deserve this.” “I am worthless.”

The rewiring of our thoughts into a negative spiral can result in thoughts of suicide or attempts. When others make us feel heard, understood, loved, and validated the healing process can be easier. The pain that is felt during difficult times is OK. Pain is not the problem. Pain informs us something is wrong.

During your healing time, it is important to have people that love and support you. That love and support through an empathetic stance will help the healing process.

What is the difference between optimism and toxic positivity then?

Optimism is a hopefulness about the future. Acknowledging feelings in the moment of a difficult situation but thinking after you go through all the emotions to heal the result will have a successful outcome.

Negative events are real but temporary. The ability to cope in a healthy way without denying negative thoughts and feelings. These thoughts and feeling help us heal and learn. Pain is not the problem. Pain informs us when something is wrong. Think about that, if you had a pain in your leg would you rest it so it could heal, or ignore that pain and pretend everything is fine?

“IT IS OK TO NOT FEEL OK!”

Let those uncomfortable and negative feelings out. As I stated above this is how we heal and learn. This can be grieving the loss of a loved one, losing a job, economic uncertainty, declining health, divorce, personal trauma, or a tragic accident.

Having healthy coping skills and feeling those emotions is important to our health. Using unhealthy coping techniques such as drugs, alcohol, and avoidance is harmful. Accept the situation and your feelings. By allowing yourself to feel those emotions you will find in time that they will pass. You will learn from those feelings and situations for future instances of difficult times.

Prioritize your time with those that are caring and empathetic, avoiding those toxically positive individuals. Invest in healthy self-care practices to better cope with those uncomfortable feelings. Talk with a therapist, there are great options out there now that do not require you to have an office visit. You can text, chat, or video chat with a therapist that is best suited for you on TalkSpace or BetterHelp.

Journaling is another great way of coping in a healthy way. Letting out all the feelings and emotions and jotting them down gets them out and releases the pressure, guilt, sorrow, or any other negative emotions. Journaling was something I used to cope with after escaping an abusive relationship. I had so many feelings swirling around and did not know how to cope with all of them. Writing in a journal everything I was thinking and or feeling helped me to release pressure and lower the stress I had around the whole situation.

Having optimism is not a bad thing. As we look at the possible outcomes of a difficult situation we may have negative thoughts and positive thoughts. Do not let those thoughts consume you and pull you down into a negative or overly positive spiral.

If you are going through a difficult time know that this is temporary. Embrace the emotions even if they are uncomfortable. Let your emotions run their course to heal from this situation. When the time is right you can reflect on this situation and learn from it to grow. You are not alone and deserve compassion, empathy, and love.

If you are having thoughts of suicide you can call or text 988 24 hours a day to speak with someone. The workers are trained to listen and support as well as the ability to connect you to resources. If you think a loved one is having thoughts of suicide you can contact the helpline as well.

You are loved! You are worthy! You deserve everything you dream of!

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~ Tina