Breaking the restrict/binge cycle
“Why do I do this?” “I am disgusting.” “Why can’t I control myself?” “What is wrong with me?” “No one is going to love me.” “I am never going to look like that.”
These are just a few of the thoughts that would run through my mind after each time I would binge. Today I want to share with you what I did to break the restrict/binge cycle and build a great relationship with food.
The road to recovery for each person recovering from an eating disorder may look different. This is how I am healing and recovering. I am not a medical professional, this is not to treat, diagnose, or cure. Sharing this journey is part of my therapy and gives me the ability to spread helpful information. I want others to know they are not alone, and help is available. Seek professional treatment if needed.
Preface:
So, if you are joining for the first time let me share a summary of how my eating disorder started. My disorder started as body dysmorphia in my late teens. I was constantly concerned with how my body looked compared to others. The diet fads, super low-cut jeans, flat stomachs, and magazines promoting unhealthy ways to achieve this drove me to extremes after gaining weight from growing human beings.
In my mid-twenties, I started restricting calories to the point where my body would be screaming FEED ME! Every time I would grocery shop I would obsessively read all labels for the calorie count. I would restrict myself for so long that when I would “treat” myself I would end up binging till I was sick.
I was filled with so much shame and disgust for my behavior. I would hide all of this from my loved ones. I felt lost, broken, ashamed, guilty, unworthy, and desperate for help after 15 years of riding this roller coaster of binge/restrict. I had caused major nutrient deficiencies, gut dysbiosis, mental health decline, and a weakened immune system. Hitting rock bottom with my overall health was what I needed to see what I was doing and force me to make the changes needed to be around and to spend the rest of my life with my husband, children, and possible grandchildren.
The steps I took to heal
1. Stopped reading the nutrient labels. This was a process of retraining my brain to not automatically flip the package over to read the nutrient label. Switching to a whole real food diet helped in this. When you purchase whole real foods there is no nutrient label. Whole real foods are fruits, vegetables, and meats. When I did purchase something with a nutrient label if I started to read the nutrient/calorie section I would remind myself to not do this and to read the ingredients.
2. For me I had to stop working out completely as I would push myself to the max for 4-60 minutes 6 days a week. In my healing journey, this was what I needed to break my unhealthy habits of over-exercising. To this day I do not have a workout regime that is set in stone. I work out when I feel like it, sometimes this is 1 day a week other times it is 3 times a week. The times are always different as well, sometimes it is 10-15 minutes sometimes it is up to 60 minutes. This also depends on the activities I am doing. During the summer months working in the yard is considered exercise to me. Snowshoeing for date night with my husband in the winter is a form of exercise.
3. I worked with a therapist to work through past traumas and change my thinking around food, body image, and communication. Therapy was a tremendous help in my recovery process. I know that this is not something that all can afford or have access to. Check with your employer to see if they offer any mental health benefits as many more companies have been stepping up and taking mental health seriously thus providing services to their employees at a discount. You can also reach out to a therapist to see if you can get on a sliding scale. This is where they change the pricing depending on your income so that you can get the help needed for a price that fits within your abilities.
4. Cognitive therapy to retrain my brain. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) addresses unhelpful ways of thinking, learned patterns of behavior, and builds better coping behaviors. Some ways that this can be done are through therapy, journaling, self-talk, positive activities, and situation exposure. With the help of a professional I would discuss with her the issues around social events, food, body image, and more. She would come back at me with questions to why I felt that way and ways to look at it in a different way to change my thought patterns. I started journaling to release my thoughts and emotions onto paper and out of my head. I also did positive self-talk work. I asked my loved ones to write positive affirmations on sticky notes that I could place around my vanity, closet, and lunch box. Seeing these positive notes boosted my confidence and self-image by seeing myself through their eyes. Another great thing that I still do is stand in front of the mirror naked and look for positive attributes. Example: instead of poking at the extra skin from childbirth, stretch marks, etc. I would stand there and say you grew three humans, you are strong, you have great legs, that nail polish brings out your eyes, etc.
5. Communication with my loved ones that I have a disorder with food. Letting your loved ones in and sharing how they can help in healthy ways will provide you with a great support system. My husband is my main support system for both my eating disorder recovery and my mental health. My oldest child is also a player in this now that she is a young adult. I do share some things with my teenage children on the proper way to approach food, fitness, and social media. Communicating with your loved ones can bring the support, confidence, and gentle guidance you may be needing. I shared ways they could support me in gentle but firm ways if I started displaying certain behaviors so I could break the cycle.
My recovery process is still ongoing. I have made great strides in my behaviors and thinking but this is a process. I still have times of negative thoughts, overindulging, and negative self-image. Listening to podcasts, reading blogs, following positive social accounts that make me feel good, dressing for my body, and having compassion for myself are things that I have been currently doing to continue my healing. I have also done a metabolic and metals test to determine the exact nutrient deficiencies I caused by the extended restrict/binge cycles I had put my body through. I am taking a specified supplement plan to build up those nutrients to healthy levels along with a whole real food diet. Unfollowing social media accounts that use filters has also been a help in coming back to reality.
If any of this resonates with you try it. Seek professional help to break that cycle and find your greatest purpose in life. You are not alone, you are loved, you are beautiful, you are worthy, you deserve this, and you are unique.
Take this one day at a time, one meal at a time, and one step at a time. You are capable of amazing things and will get through this.
Here is a list of additional resources to help you in your journey.
If you are finding this helpful please share it with friends and family to spread the word and help others find these resources. This is the best way to help this blog grow.
~ Tina
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